Growth Mindset for Parents Raising ADHD and Autistic Kids

Friend, I am convinced that all moms need a parenting growth mindset. For the sake of our Autistic and ADHD kids we need to shift our mindset. Does this sound familiar?

“I will never let my child co-sleep. That is not a healthy sleeping habit.”

Or, you may have been on the other end of that one.

“I will definitely co-sleep. Attachment parenting is the only way to go.”

This is a good one.

“When I have kids, my child will never talk back to me.”

It gets better.

“What is wrong with these parents? I will never tolerate that attitude with my kid.”

Friend, I can’t lie. Some of those were me. Ugh. Please tell me you can relate.

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Growing Through Parenting

Ok. In all seriousness, there is no judgment for any of us. We’re just people doing the best we can with what we know at any given time.

Here is the deal, though. Whether you’ve believed one of the above or something else, we all grow as parents. We should change as we learn.

And it’s freeing when we finally realize and EMBRACE that there is a lot we do not know.

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What is a Growth Mindset?

What is a growth mindset? The term growth mindset was coined by Carol Dweck, PhD. Dweck explains a growth mindset as one that sees:

• Challenges as opportunities,
• Obstacles to be overcome,
• Criticism as learning lessons,
• A general sense that we are not “stuck” in any one position forever

While Dr. Dweck’s work has been primarily geared toward the educational system, all people are impacted greatly based on their mindset.  

She points to the difference in life outcomes for those with a fixed (I can change nothing mindset) or a growth mindset. 

ADHD, Autism- Parenting Differently

I’m convinced that parents need to embrace a parenting growth mindset. Even more so when raising kids who don’t fit in the box. For example,

• Autism
• Anxiety
• ADHD
• Sensory Processing Challenges
• PDA

Fortunately, parents eventually get to the point where we settle into the fact that we are not God. As we embrace the reality that we aren’t in control of everything we have new choices.

Fixed Parenting Mindset

A fixed parenting mindset tells us to dig our heels in the sand when our kids don’t fall in line.

When those little people living under our roof dare to be different, we do everything we can to force those kids to get in line.

“Nope. He will learn to obey right away because that is what my parents expected of me.”

From experience, I know where that leads. This often leads to broken relationships and a lot of stress.

Parenting Growth Mindset

The growth parenting mindset allows us to sway with the winds of unmet expectations.

It frees us to see challenges with our kids as opportunities to grow rather than personal failures.

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Adoption Is Messy and Trauma Is Real

My hubby and I adopted a baby boy more than a decade ago. His transition into our family was relatively smooth. Then he hit 18 months.

And his sudden uncontrollable behaviors began to destroy our home and family.

• He screamed ALL.DAY.LONG. for about 3 years straight.
• Didn’t sleep for more than two hours at a time for years.
• He hit, kicked, scratched, bit, and…
• Did I mention that shrieked at the top of his lungs every single moment that he was awake?

It was so freaking hard and nothing I knew to do worked.

Humility In Motherhood

This was the lowest season of my life and in parenting. The isolation and shame were suffocating.

I felt overwhelming guilt for my two biological daughters. who lost a functioning mom. They found themselves living in a war zone.

Suffering In Parenting Leads To Growth

Humiliation and depression suffocated me for several years. My husband, my girls, and our boy suffered every day. The internal dialogue of the critical voice in my head did not help. 

Friend, fortunately, this season of HELL radically changed the way I see everything and everyone. As we sought help for our boy, I learned from incredible pediatric specialists, and read every book I could related to the brain and behavior.

Books about:

• ADHD
• Autism (by autistic people themselves)
• Trauma
• Attachment
• Neuroscience

Ultimately, we found some answers for our son. And I found answers I didn’t know I was searching for.

Mental Health Is Essential for Healthy Parenting

You see, I was forced to acknowledge my need for outside help. I entered trauma-informed therapy and faced my internal junk.  

The years of agony were a tool that helped chip away at some boulders that had been holding me hostage for years. Let me cut to the chase.  

I had been stuck in black and white thinking that labeled a child’s outward obedience as the ultimate sign of having a good Christian momma.

For decades, I believed that this idea was true without ever examining it.

Transformation in Parenting

In this journey, I have learned about God’s design of the brain and heart for the hurting. God looks at the heart and sees the beauty of who we are, even when we mess up.

In this journey, I’ve developed a parenting growth mindset. And I am so grateful.

Developing a parenting growth mindset has been key to saving my son and my entire neurodivergent family. Even more, it transformed my relationship with my daughters. I would not have the relationship I have with them without having deconstructed toxic beliefs about parenting.

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Stop Trying to Change ADHD & Autism

When we adopted our boy, we had no idea that our daughters needed their mom to develop a parenting growth mindset. For one of my girls in particular, this soon became apparent.

For years, I tried to make her into a social butterfly like her older sister.

• I didn’t understand why she was so “shy.”
• I worried about her heightened sensitivity level.
• Why did she hang out on the outskirts when we would get together with friends for play dates?

I tried to “fix” her so she could be “happy and healthy.”

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Toxic Messages Neurodivergent Children Internalize

When we examine our beliefs about how we approach our neurodivergent kids, we open the door to hope. Adopting a parenting growth mindset that seeks to find the strengths in each of our children offers an alternative to:

• ‘What’s wrong with me?’
• ‘I always screw up.’
• ‘The teacher is mad at me again.’
• ‘I disappointed mom and dad again. Why can’t I get it together?’
• ‘The noise was just too much and I couldn’t handle it. I’m so weak.’
• ‘What is wrong with me?’

Friend, how many more kids have to scream for help through…

• Drug-abuse,
• Cutting,
• Unaliving,
• Eating disorders,
• Self-depracation,
• Seeking love in all the wrong places,
• Etc…

… before we take a good look at this one-size-fits all system that is FAILING so many children?

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Parenting Growth Mindset: Unhealthy Expectations

Many of us have kids who don’t fit the world’s expectations. What’s devastating is that so many of these expectations are never even questioned.

And yet we spend our fleeting time of influence trying to force our kids to conform to these unhealthy expectations.The end result?

Broken relationship between parent and child. Ultimately, we end up with a culture of hurting adult children. It’s time to make a change for the sake of our children. Does this resonate?

Freedom for us and our kids

When we develop a parenting growth mindset, we become moms living in freedom.The parenting commentators lose their power.

We feel confident to care less about what the “experts” say if it is going to destroy our children.

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Recap: Parenting Growth Mindset

These years matter.

What our kids believe about themselves matters, so let’s examine the beliefs that influence how we raise them.

Let’s do this differently for the sake of our kids. Together, one parent at a time. We can do this.