Teenage Attitude, Mood Swings, and A Shift in Mindset

Understandably, my oldest daughter and her younger sister experience mood swings every once in a while. 

Yes. I’ve always known to expect turbulent moments with my teenage daughters. But, that doesn’t make the moments any easier. So today, I’d like to share 4 steps to navigate your teenager’s attitudes and mood swings.

Teenage Mood Swings and Attitudes

Years ago, I took my girls out on a dinner date. Enjoying good food is one of many fun things to do with a teenage daughter. Of course, we all agreed on Mexican. Who doesn’t love chips and salsa?

The date was supposed to be just my middle daughter and me. However, at the last minute, my oldest begged to join us. Middle daughter graciously agreed that Big Sis could tag along.

Fast forward about an hour.

We’d enjoyed our chips, salsa, queso, nachos, and a burrito. (I have to clarify that we shared. Just sayin.) In the end, we had lots of silly conversations. It seemed to be a success. Until… it wasn’t.

Teen Mood Swing in 30 Seconds Flat

In what seemed like a thirty-second window, my oldest teen daughter shifted. She was suddenly sucked into the cyclone of teenage mood swings. 

Her face changed. She was no longer laughing at my stories about how Aunty Jamie used to be obsessed with Davy Jones from The Monkees. Anyone else watch The Monkees on Nickelodeon after school? (Am I that old?!)

“Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees!”

“Daydream believer and a homecoming queen…”

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Apparently, my family had a strange taste in entertainment. Oh well! At least we had fun.

Back to the story. My daughters had been asking questions about my life as a kid. As such, we were having fun and laughing. So, it took me off guard when my oldest teen daughter suddenly shut down.

Complaining About Being “Full”

We were chomping down on our chips and salsa when she began complaining about “being full” and wanting me to drive her home. I asked her what was wrong. Classic teen daughter response,

“Nothing.”

Pushing her further, (I knew she wasn’t telling me the truth), she responded with,

“I’m just tired.”

Frustration was beginning to creep up as the possibilities ran through my head. My initial reaction was annoyance with her.

Mom Mindset and Teenage Mood Swings

‘Oh! That’s how she is going to play it. Great!’

See the shift in my attitude?

I’m just as guilty of my meltdowns when things don’t go my way. (That’s for another post.)

‘Great! After she begged her little sister to jump in on our scheduled date night… she gets what she wanted. She got yummy Mexican food and now she is done with us.’

Let’s be real. Teenagers can be a little ego-centric. I couldn’t have been that off in my assessment of her new shift in attitude. Right?

Trying to Make Everyone Happy

Disappointment started to rise in me. Deep down I feared my older teen daughter’s negative attitude might ruin her sister’s date night. And we know how desperately we moms try to keep everyone happy.

Teen Moodiness Is No Excuse for Mom’s

As the adult in the dynamic, I had to make a decision. My initial impulse was to “lay into her” about ruining her sister’s time and being selfish. But I didn’t. Not this time.

In the past, I would have pointed out her self-centered motives, her attitude, and her mood swings.

My oldest errs on the side of taking too much responsibility for others’ reactions and responses. Because of this, she would have likely shut down and apologized profusely before I finished speaking.

Sadly, that typical response would have likely satisfied me at one point. I mean, who doesn’t appreciate it when anyone takes responsibility for their actions?

Kids Shouldn’t Always Apologize

An apology would have been a satisfactory response. Not always. In this case, I could have slammed a door on our relationship. Even if just temporarily.

Fortunately, this is not how the interaction went down. Fortunately, I’ve learned a lot these past several years. One thing I’ve learned is that I need to check myself when navigating relational conflict.

Teen Mood Swings as Information

My daughter was having her version of a meltdown. Fortunately, I know what to do when one of my cubs has a meltdown.  

No, it wasn’t a drop-down kicking and screaming-meltdown that the whole restaurant was privy to. However, it was my teenage daughter’s (lite) version.

So I made a mental pivot from the perspective that told me she was being willfully selfish. I had to drop the deep-rooted belief that all outward behavior is willful. At that moment, I took a mental step back and paused.

“Something just happened. She had a thought or something just came to mind and she is responding. Let me investigate.”

The following 4 steps are the framework of my book, free devotional series, and my parenting course, Barely Surviving to Outright Thriving.

4 Steps to Survive Teenage Mood Swings

While I created this parenting framework to better deal with my son’s meltdowns and tantrums, it works universally. Ultimately, at that moment with my teen daughter, I knew that was the framework I needed for her. So, here goes.

Step 1: Relationship

I looked directly at my girly and made eye contact.

Step 2: Provide Emotional Vocabulary & Reflect

“Hey, what happened, Sweet Girl? You went from happy and laughing to ‘shut down’. You look like you’re feeling sad.”

Step 3: Provide Physical Input

I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder to offer her comforting physical input.

(Always take your child’s lead on physical input. When unregulated, some kids cannot handle any further input. See Barely Surviving to Outright Thriving for more.)

Step 4: Shift Attention and Distract

No. Didn’t have to do this one either. In a nutshell, I walked through steps 1, 2, and 3. I connected with her through relationship.

Then I offered her an emotional vocabulary and reflected on what I saw. Suddenly, everything changed.

A Parenting Plan for Moody Teens

The defensive wall of her teenage mood swing crumbled almost immediately. My girl opened up to us.

“I just heard a song that reminded me of Grandma,”

She managed to confess as she held back tears. My mom had passed suddenly about 9 months prior. My teenager had been struggling terribly with grief.  

Her sudden attitude shift had nothing to do with selfishly “using” her sister and me for Mexican food.

Traditional Parenting and Discipline Often Destroys

Had I engaged her through a more traditional lens, I’d have blown it big time.
Sadly, traditional forms of parenting (and educating) children view “unacceptable” behaviors as problems to be eradicated.

Outward behavior is seen as the be-all and end-all. This sets up parents and educators to view “success” as the child who holds it together on the outside.

Had I approached her that way, I’d have missed an opportunity to be a safe place for my girl. It could’ve been a lost opportunity to be her trusted ally.

Meltdowns Don’t Cease Because We Age

The reality is that we all have meltdowns. ALL.OF.US.

Adults and children alike. Adults lose it all the time. Yes, grown-up meltdowns simply “look” different from teen and toddler meltdowns.

Have you snapped at your child or hubby because you have reached the end of your rope? I know I have and still do at times. It’s called an adult temper tantrum.

There is no judgment in this. We’re all just human beings living in a broken world.  Moodiness and meltdowns appear differently depending on the variables.

Recap: Teenage Mood Swings and A Shift in Mindset

While my oldest is generally a very respectful young lady, she’s still a teen. Hormones come with the territory. I mean, let’s be honest, we adult women suffer when our hormones are out-of-whack. Mood swings are real. Period. (Pun intended.)

Whether a toddler meltdown or a teen mood swing, we must offer grace. We can choose to equip our kids to work through the thoughts and feelings that lead to those tough behaviors. Then we can watch them smile and say,

“Thank you, Mom.”  

Eventually. Hopefully?