What’s the best way to deal with a strong-willed child? As a mom and educator, this is a question I’ve asked myself many times. Negative behaviors, defiance, and angry outbursts are just some challenges associated with parenting a spirited child.
And while you expect temper tantrums in younger children, it gets complicated when your child’s behavior doesn’t improve with age. So today, let’s discuss strategies to end the never-ending power struggles.
7 Ways to Deal with a Strong-Willed Child
What should you do when daily life is one constant battle after another with your child?
- Reward good behavior?
- Impose negative consequences?
- Set firm limits?
- Lean into natural consequences?
For me, the first step to effective discipline for my strong-willed kiddos was to understand that discipline means “to teach.” Shifting my lens with this in mind has changed everything.
Here are seven parenting strategies to help you successfully deal with your strong-willed child. Hope they help.
1. Address Emotional Regulation
Kids who display strong-willed behavior often have a difficult time with negative emotions and big feelings. When kids experience intense emotions they often act out. This means your child needs skills to navigate their emotional regulation.
Work with your child on emotional regulation skills early and learn them together. Most of us were not given healthy self-regulation tools as kids and could use the tools ourselves.
Develop your emotional regulation skills alongside your child. To get you started, 47 emotional regulation activities for kids.
2. Allow Do-Overs
For kids to learn to self-regulate healthily, they need opportunities to practice. So, don’t immediately impose a negative consequence when your child loses it because you won’t give them a cookie for dinner. Rather, start by trying to help your child calm down.
There are several ways to do this. One of which is by co-regulating with them. Here are 31 calming activities to help you and your child co-regulate so you both can think more clearly.
Then, offer a chance for a do-over. Practice makes perfect.
3. Set Boundaries Ahead of Time
Just because you use positive parenting techniques does not mean you throw boundaries and rules out the door. Not at all. Consistent boundaries are helpful for strong-willed kids and parents alike. Clear is kind.
However, it’s important to choose your battles and choose them carefully. In our home, boundaries are general rules for thriving as a family.
- We use our hands kindly.
- Respect that we’re all different and have different needs.
- We can’t always get our own way, but will at times.
- When we make mistakes, we do our best to make it right.
- Mom and Dad will listen to me when I am struggling.
When going into a new environment, prepare your child for what to expect and what you’d like to see from them.
4. Don’t Expect First Time Obedience
As adults, we don’t do things perfectly the first time. This is the same for children. Kids need time to practice positive behaviors. First-time obedience is not necessarily healthy. Valuing compliance can train children to ignore their own boundaries, setting them up for future victimization.
Executive Functioning Impacts Behavior
Neurotypical children don’t develop full control over executive functions until around the age of 25. Children should not be expected to obey perfectly because they’re not developmentally equipped to do so.
Further, neurodivergent children (Autism and ADHD, for example) are commonly labeled as strong-willed.
These kids are more prone to delays in executive functioning skills such as impulse control, working memory, and emotional regulation. They need more time and practice to learn how to pause and think before reacting.
Give them time and opportunities to do so.
Children should not be expected to obey perfectly because they’re not developmentally equipped to do so.
5. Run from Power Struggles
It takes two people to enter a power struggle. Like me, you know that the only person you can control is yourself. (I’m speaking from experience here.)
The moment you feel yourself engaging in a power of wills, stop. Take some deep breaths and as long as everyone is safe, step away from the dynamic.
For example, I tell my son it’s time to start his schoolwork. He immediately resists,
No! I don’t want to.
If I raise my voice to enforce my authority, both of our stress levels rise. His immature autonomic nervous system becomes more dysregulated and we get nowhere. On the other hand, if I stop, take a breath, and say nothing, he has more time to process and make the right decision.
Will your strong-willed child always make the right decision if you disengage? No, but, disengaging for a few moments will allow you to think more clearly.
6. Inspire Your Child
By being strong-willed, these kids are more likely to run into challenges with authoritarian adults. This means strong-willed kids may receive many negative messages which can impact their self-confidence.
And if you remember, one quality of successful leaders is that they’re confident. So, it’s important to prioritize your child’s sense of mental well-being. You can do this by casting a vision that teaches them to use their strong personality traits for good.
How can you inspire your child to value themselves?
7. Give Your Child Control
Strong-willed children need agency. This is because strong-willed behavior is often rooted in nervous system dysregulation or anxiety.
As adults, we don’t like being told what to do. When we don’t have a sense of power, it’s only natural to resist further.
Children with strong personalities need a sense of control. Give your child the following.
1. Opportunities to Make Decisions
- Would you like to eat chili or pasta for dinner?
- Would you like to work on math or reading first?
2. Opportunities to Be Heard
Children must know that their perspective matters. We parents and teachers often throw out, “Don’t do this. Don’t do that,” without really giving it thought.
I’ve caught myself jumping to a, “No,” answer without thinking it through.
Because of this, I’ve taught my children to ask for a compromise. That request cues me to stop and consider whether this is a hill to die on.
Giving children a sense of control reduces anxiety and eliminates unnecessary battles.
Positive Traits of Strong-Willed Children
One thing I’ve learned is this. Parents of strong-willed children need a reframe in perspective.
When we see our children’s personality traits positively, we immediately strengthen our parent-child relationship. And the parent-child relationship is key to positively influencing our kids for good. Strong-willed children are most likely to grow into strong-willed adults.
1. Strong-Willed Kids are Self-Managers and Leaders
The world’s great leaders are confident, have strong opinions, and are perseverant. Strong-willed children are leaders. When you’re raising a child with a strong-willed temperament, you’re often dealing with those same qualities. The difference is that your child doesn’t have the maturity, experience, or emotional regulation skills to harness those personality strengths gracefully.
According to Forbes, the most successful leaders are self-managing. Your strong-willed child may be inherently self-managing. No, she may not make the best self-management decisions now. But that desire to get their own way is the starting point for self-management later.
2. Strong-Willed Children are Justice Seekers
Strong-willed children seek justice and often stand up for the marginalized.
Kids with strong wills are often passionate and seek justice. They may get into trouble for complaining about rule breakers, for example. Instead of name-calling,
Don’t be a tattletale.
A simple shift to this could change everything.
Wow! You feel deeply about justice. That’s awesome. Maybe you’ll be a lawyer one day.
Ask yourself, “How can I see this strong-willed behavior as a gift to be used for good in the future?”
3. Strong-Willed Kids Stick to Their Beliefs
Strong-willed children are strong in their beliefs. This is a gift we want our children to share with others.
Cast a vision for your child’s future by highlighting the strength of sticking to their guns. Remind your child that that quality is meant for good.
4. Strong-Willed Kids are Courageous
Strong-willed children are often willing to speak up to protect others. They’ll put their necks on the line to stand up for the little guy.
If your child is more me-centered with their courage, spot moments when they’re courageous on behalf of others.
5. Strong-Willed Children are Perseverant
According to Forbes, leaders are perseverant. To be a successful leader, you must be willing to keep going when others are tempted to throw in the towel. Is your child willing to keep going regardless of what you say?
If my kid wants something, he’ll make it happen. And while this is frustrating at times, when harnessed for good, he thrives because of his perseverance.
Recap: How to Deal with a Strong-Willed Child
Whether you’re dealing with a strong-willed toddler or defiant behavior in older children, your child is NOT a bad kid. Shifting our perception from a “very stubborn child” to a child with a “strong point of view” helps us take a deep breath the next time our kids dig their heels in. Because, in the end, a child’s difficult behavior is often rooted in them having a hard time.
Lean into the strengths of your child. Then, inspire them with a vision of how those personality traits can serve them well.
What do you think, Friend? Need some extra support with hard behaviors? Download the FREE Behind the Behavior Cheat Sheet.
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About the Author:
Lindsay is a trauma-informed educator with a Master’s Degree in Teaching. Her mission is to support moms to equip neurodivergent kids (ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, Anxiety) to thrive as exactly who they’ve been created to be. Wait until you hear the story that led to it all…
