Parenting a strong-willed child isn’t easy. I know because I’ve got a couple of them myself. When you’ve got a strong-willed child, it’ll push you to your limits. You may find yourself battling your child over the smallest things. And you’re exhausted because you’ve tried every parenting strategy and none are working.
Today, I’m sharing 5 tips to help when parenting a strong-willed child.
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Characteristics of a Strong-Willed Child
To get on the same page, let’s start by clarifying what I mean when I use the term “strong-willed child”. You know you’re parenting a strong-willed kid if these resonate.
- He fights you on everything.
- She refuses even the smallest request.
- You say the sky is blue and he immediately tells you it’s green.
- When she doesn’t get her way, get ready for the angry outbursts.
- Once he’s made up his mind, there’s no changing it.
- They test the limit all the time.
- It’s their way or the highway.
In the end, many refer to this type of behavior as “stubborn” or “difficult”. However, I’ve found that language isn’t helpful because it frames the child in a negative light.
But, how can you see these behaviors any differently? After all, it’s exhausting to parent a child who doesn’t obey you. Why, though? Why is it so hard to parent strong-willed kids?
Most Common Power Struggles
The reason it’s so exhausting to parent strong-willed children is the key to moving forward with them.
We get into power struggles with them.
And that’s a HUGE mistake (that I still make often). Power struggles are just that. They’re struggles.
The problem is that the most common power struggle you face with your child seems unavoidable.
We ask or tell them to do anything they don’t want to do.
Did I miss anything? (#truestory)
When it comes down to it, it takes two people to have a power struggle. And since it’s impossible to control another human being, we’re the only ones who we can change.
Conventional Parenting Fails Strong-Willed Kids
Traditional parenting approaches fail strong-willed kids for many reasons. One reason is that conventional parenting strategies tend to see behavior as willful. This is often quite the opposite.
Kids need to practice working through big feelings and emotions.
This is especially true when they struggle with executive function and self-regulation. They need TOOLS to help them. For example, sensory tools or other emotional regulation tools.
Go to Your Room Doesn’t Work
Sending a child to their room “until they can behave” often doesn’t work with strong-willed children. Kids need a safe adult to help them learn how to overcome those big feelings and emotions.
Punishing them does no good when they need to learn to regulate their emotions. Additionally, continual punishment creates a cycle of shame that can perpetuate a cycle of “bad” behaviors. We all know that “hurt people hurt people”.
So, what do you do?
5 Strategies for Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child
The following five strategies will help you parent your strong-willed child.
1. Punishment Needs to Go
The first thing to understand when parenting strong-willed kids is that Punishment does NOT work. Quite frankly, even if it did work, there’s a problem with this line of thinking. We want our kids to grow into confident adults. When we use fear-based strategies to achieve compliance, we can set our kids up for future failure.
2. Strong-Willed Kids Need Agency
Strong-willed children need a sense of agency and control. This is NOT a bad thing and is part of being human.
All human beings need a sense of agency to feel safe. This is as true for adults as it is for kids. Think back to 2020. Regardless of where you stood, the entire world felt some fear and anxiety.
Why? The lack of agency and control. Everyone needs a sense of agency. Kids too.
3. Empathy and Respect Win
Again, just like adults, children need to feel seen and understood. When parenting your strong-willed child, it’s important to see things from their perspective.
Empathizing with your child nurtures connection and creates a safe relationship. This shows your child that you respect who they are as a person. They need to know that you’re their ally and not their foe.
4. Be an Influencer in Your Child’s Life
Kids want to be influenced. They want to have someone to look up to. Whether that influencer comes from:
- Television show
- Sports
- Social media
- A troubled but “cool” kid at school
In the end, you are your child’s most powerful influencer. But for you to influence your child well, you need to nurture that relationship first.
Child-Led Time
Be intentional about spending time with your child with zero expectations. Spend time doing what your child enjoys no matter how boring it may seem to you. This will buy you relational currency because your child will feel seen and valued.
Relationship first. Always.
5. Focus on the 75%
In the end, it’s helpful to focus on the long-term goal you have for your child.
- Who do you want them to be as an adult?
- What do you want them to believe about themselves when they enter the world?
God willing, our kids will spend roughly 75% of their lives as adults. The messages our kids receive as children are those they take with them into adulthood.
Shift your perspective to find the strength in the strong will. Using these affirmations for kids is a practical tool that can help. Over time, a child who feels good about themselves also values others.
Avoiding the Term Strong-Willed
I’ve got to be honest. When I started this blog, my goal was to help change the narrative for strong-willed kids. I intentionally avoided the term for years because I wanted moms to see their kids differently.
Specifically, I wanted the evangelical community struggling with unhealthy parenting theology to know this.
- There’s more to difficult behaviors than just willful disobedience.
And that’s still my heart’s desire. However, for the sake of getting your eyes on this post, I’m using the term strong-willed child. Because that’s exactly what I searched for when I was in the thick of parenting hell.
Recap: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child
God has a plan for your strong-willed child that’s GOOD. That means your child has gifts, passions, and purpose. Look for the good in your child even when it’s hard. (And, friend, I’ve been there. You’re not in this alone.)
One thing I’ve realized though, is this. The most powerful parenting tool we have is to influence our child through Relationship First.
So, Friend. What did I miss? How have you shifted your approach to parenting your strong-willed child?
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About the Author:
Lindsay is a trauma-informed educator with a Master’s Degree in Teaching. Her mission is to support moms to equip neurodivergent kids (ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, Anxiety) to thrive as exactly who they’ve been created to be. Wait until you hear the story that led to it all…
