Is your child with ADHD lying lately? Wondering why this is happening and what to do about it? Like other parents, you may wonder if there’s something inherently wrong with your kid.
Perhaps you’ve tried every discipline strategy in the book, but nothing’s working and you don’t know what to do.
Don’t panic. You’re not alone, your child isn’t a bad kid, and there are constructive ways to address this problem.
Today, let’s discuss ADHD, lying, and how to get kids to tell the truth the next time they’re tempted to lie.
So, if you’re ready, let’s get to it.
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ADHD, Executive Functioning, and Telling Lies
So, why do ADHD children have such a hard time telling the truth? Understanding the ADHD brain makes it easier to see there’s a good reason behind this hard behavior. What I mean is this.
Difficulties with executive functions are a common ADHD struggle. Executive functioning refers to the skills that allow a person to make wise choices.
Some of them specifically impact your child’s dishonesty challenges. Three executive functions that impact your child’s ability to tell the truth are:
- Emotional Regulation
- Impulsivity
- Working Memory
Please note that these challenges are also seen in adult ADHD. Let’s briefly discuss each one.
Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation refers to one’s ability to regulate thoughts, emotions, and feelings appropriately in any situation.
You may notice difficulties with emotional regulation when your child’s frustration leads to a behavioral issue of some sort.
For example, perhaps you’re concerned that your child has a conduct disorder because of your child’s pattern of volatile reactions. In the end, know this.
If your child’s behavior is uncontrollable, it’s likely because developmentally your child does NOT have the power to control it yet.
Impulsivity
Impulsivity is acting before thinking. Does that sound like your child?
Additionally, it’s associated with risky behavior in ADHD. Further, it’s likely one of your child’s ADHD symptoms that leads to dishonesty.
This is because children often lie when they fear getting in trouble. Typically, these fears are rooted in consistently getting in trouble.
- Bad grades
- Trouble with friendships
- ADHD can impact social skills
- Consistent punishments for any number of possible infractions
- Low self-esteem from daily failing to demonstrate good behavior
- School behavior charts
Combine a heightened fight-or-flight response with impulsivity, and you’ve got a recipe for dishonesty and RSD or (Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria). Under these circumstances, lying is a coping mechanism of self-protection.
Working Memory
According to Dr. Russell Barkley, there are two executive functions related to working memory.
- Non-verbal working memory
- Verbal (language-based) working memory
Working memory is the ability to hold on to multiple pieces of information long enough to manipulate and respond appropriately.
Difficulties in this ability are a major challenge for those with ADHD.
Telling a Lie vs. Working Memory Issues
Let’s look at an example related to dishonesty.
- Your child agrees to go upstairs to clean their room.
- Then an hour later, you catch them playing video games.
It’s easy for you to conclude that your child lied and never intended to clean their room. However, if your child has working memory challenges, there’s a good chance there’s more to it.
In this case, addressing the working memory issue is superior to punishment.
Other Areas of Executive Function
Other areas of executive function impacted by ADHD include difficulties with the following.
- Sustaining attention
- Planning and foresight
- Working Memory
- Follow-through and perseverance
- Time Management
ADHD Kids & Academics
ADHD is not a lack of intelligence. In fact, according to ADDitude Magazine, those with ADHD often have high IQs. Sadly, kids with ADHD struggle significantly in traditional academic systems because they’re not designed for them.
A traditional school system requires kids to sustain attention for a long time. This puts ADHD kids at a significant disadvantage as they’re not designed to learn in this way.
Further, difficulties with planning and time management lead to missing homework assignments. Difficulties with working memory impact processing speed, which means kids with ADHD often can’t keep up.
If your ADHD child is struggling in school, be assured. There are highly effective alternative educational options for neurodivergent kids.
How to Help Your Child
When you consider these 3 areas of delayed executive functioning, you see why an ADHD child may have a difficult time being honest.
Further, traditionally we’ve been led to believe behaviorism is the only way to deal with “bad behavior.” You may have heard,
Use consistent consequences. Make sure to implement an appropriate consequence or he won’t learn.
However, if you’ve been parenting an ADHD child long enough, you know that traditional approaches do not work. Even worse, some punishment-based approaches hurt struggling kids further.
As the adage says,
Kids aren’t giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.
So, how do you and other family members help these kids learn to do the right thing?
1. Know Why the Brain Lies
When parenting a neurodivergent child, it’s essential to understand the brain and its role in behavior. If you know anything about our story, you know we’ve been through hell as a family.
In the end, if I had to choose one thing that led to our radical transformation, it would be this.
Learning about the brain and its impact on behavior.
This has been the key to thriving as a family. Here’s a quick tutorial.
3-Part Brain, ADHD, and Lying
2. Safety First
The first step no matter what? You must be your ADHD child’s safe place. The world is not kind to those who process the world differently.
And ADHD kids are often at the receiving end of messages that tell them that something’s wrong with them. The long-term implications of such damaging messages are frightening.
Kids with ADHD are at greater risk for:
- Substance abuse including drug abuse
- Getting into automobile accidents
- Being involved in teen pregnancy
- Eating disorders
- and more
One Positive Childhood Experience (PCE) that mitigates these statistics is a safe parent-child relationship. Therefore, your ADHD child must believe you’re a safe place to process through the stresses of life.
3. Don’t MAKE Kids Lie
If your ADHD child struggles with lying, don’t put them in a position to tell a lie.
What do I mean by this?
Set your child up to tell the truth. When you know your child has done something wrong, don’t ask them if they did something wrong. Instead, address the issue head-on.
Here’s an example.
You walk into the kitchen at 7 am. It’s then that you notice chocolate milk stains and cookie crumbs on the countertop.
Who Stole the Cookie?
There’s no doubt in your mind who’s responsible for the mess. Your 8-year-old son (true story). Typically, you may say something like this.
Buddy, did you have chocolate milk and cookies for breakfast?”
With this question, he (his brain) has a choice to make. Fight or flight or freeze. In this case, a lie is a flight response (separate himself from the problem).
Don’t give him the choice to lie. Set him up for success.
Son, it’s hard to resist sweets some times, huh? What are you going to do about the chocolate milk and cookie crumbs all over the counter?
This simple shift asks a productive question which lowers his threat level. He’s not forced to lie here, but rather, forced to come up with a solution.
You’re more likely to get the truth when your child knows you’re a safe place to give it.
Traditional Approaches Fail ADHD Kids
4. Teach Your Child About ADHD
One of the biggest gifts you can give your ADHD child is an education in ADHD. Teach them about their unique ADHD brain with a focus on the strengths of ADHD.
Help them understand why certain activities can be so challenging for them. Teach them about executive functioning and dopamine, for example.
Further, normalize ADHD as a neurotype rather than something to be ashamed of.
Consider Your Brain Type
Additionally, you may want to consider the possibility that you or your child’s other parent has ADHD as well. The heritability rate of ADHD is one of the highest of any cognitive difference. Meaning, if your child has ADHD, there’s a high likelihood that you have ADHD.
Understanding ADHD is crucial to success for both you and your child. Read books about ADHD, and then support your child’s ADHD education. Knowledge is power.
Recap: Why is My Child with ADHD Lying?
If your ADHD child tells frequent lies, don’t despair. Rather than jump to punishment, look for and address the root issues behind the behavior.
The best way to address your child’s lying habit is by supporting your child’s executive functioning skills.
Again, some of those root issues include:
- low self-esteem
- impulse issues
- fear and anxiety
- lack of emotional regulation tools
In the end, your child’s little white lies are not an indication of willful deceit. Your ADHD child lacks executive function skills and needs support.
Remember, they’re not giving you a hard time, but are having a hard time. With your support, love, and partnership, they will move past this hard dishonesty habit.
I read this article in truth because the title jumped out at me, and I have to say it has some useful points to make and was an interesting read. I think it’s a bit of a shame that while the article was very positive and discussed positive ways to deal with children fibbing, I felt the title “why do kids with ADHD lie so much” was quite negative. It also seems to imply (to me at least) that all/most kids with ADHD lie. While I’m sure that is the case for some, it’s certainly not all. As an adult recently diagnosed with ADHD, for me I’m the opposite. When I’ve done something wrong I’m the first one to put my hand up, even when I perhaps shouldn’t. Also in education I’ve worked with many students with ADHD who are very truthful. I just thought maybe a more positive wording of the title would be more better and in-keeping with the tone of the article. Thanks for the interesting information though and I liked the example with the cookies of rewording what you say to help children not need to lie and create a safe space.
Jen, These are all good points and reach the heartbeat of everything I do here to support neurodivergent children. However, the title isn’t Why Do Kids with ADHD Lie So Much? but rather, ADHD, Lying and Impulsivity: Help Kids Tell the Truth. I think you may be referring to a Pinterest image. And the question is meant to reach the parent who thinks something is wrong. Sometimes when we word things in different ways, we’re able to reach a wider group of people who may not think the same way you and I do. However, all your points are spot on. 🙂 I’m a late-diagnosed ADHD lady myself (raising some amazing ADHD kids) so I’m with you 100%. Great conversation! Appreciate you reaching out. 🙂