If you’re a parent, I’m assuming you’ve experienced your child’s tantrums or meltdowns. I certainly have. For years, meltdowns and explosive behaviors were an expected reality in my home. Perhaps you can relate.
So, what do you do when you’re at your wit’s end? When every parenting strategy you use leads to greater explosions and more division in your home?
I wrestled with this question for years. And then, over time, I learned the hard way. I had to parent my kid completely differently than I’d ever been taught.
When I finally accepted that I was a “Perfect Christian Mom” failure, things changed for the better. May my story help you and your children, Exhausted Friend.
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Meltdowns and A Hot Mess Mom
Maybe you have a neurodivergent child who falls somewhere under the following categories.
- Adoption or foster care
- ADHD
- Autism
- Sensory processing challenges
- Dyslexia
- Anxiety
- Trauma-survivor
Your child may be in a particularly hard season and have no diagnosis at all. However, their behaviors are a problem that no amount of “traditional discipline” can resolve.
Even more, the impact of our kids’ tantrums and meltdowns magnifies as we battle our internal dialogue and unmet expectations. When in the trenches, finding a way to calm our child’s meltdowns can feel impossible.
My Kid’s Meltdowns Made Me Want To Hide
While in the thick of my son’s daily tantrums and meltdowns, I was a hot mess. At that time, I considered the day a win if I was able to get a shower in and brush my teeth. Deep down I just wanted to get away and hide. Anywhere.
Just to MAKE.IT.STOP.
All of the parenting strategies I knew to use were useless. I felt helpless, overwhelmed, and completely alone.
A Mindset Shift
Before adopting our son, I never would’ve believed my family could end up where we had in that season. Once my son’s volatile behaviors began to display themselves at 18 months, our family was completely rocked.
All I knew about being a good Christian mom failed. Each discipline strategy that once worked with my girls was useless and completely ineffective with my son.
In my “perfect parenting days,” I looked at a mom like me and my kid and thought,
‘That mom has zero control over her child. She needs to get it together.’
Ugh.
Everything I depended on to anchor my identity as a good mom dissipated. As a result, confusion and anxiety became the driving force of my life.
Toxic Parenting Advice
In my earlier parenting years, I read every Christian parenting book I could get my hands on. Now I can see how toxic so many of them were.
If one of my girls dared to have their version of a meltdown, I brought order quickly. A firm voice or swift consequence, and those perceived infractions were handled.
“Absolutely not. Not appropriate.”
Those scathing words did the trick. The girls acquiesced, and it was over. (I’m cringing just writing that last line.)
Dysregulated Children Have Meltdowns
Once mobile, our son screamed and steamrolled his way through our home every second of the day.
- Scaling walls,
- Escaping the house,
- Hitting,
- Scratching,
- Biting,
- Throwing and smashing glasses, frames, dishes, etc…
Did I mention screaming? Oh… not sleeping ever?!! There wasn’t a single parenting strategy that helped calm him during his raging meltdowns. Nothing I could do to gain any control.
Desperate To Stop The Meltdowns
There was no way to prevent him from getting into dangerous situations.
“No, Buddy. You can’t eat batteries.”
Then the boom fell. A sudden burning sensation traveled across my face.
“WHACK!”
His frustration tolerance was non-existent. The slightest resistance to his efforts resulted in aggressive behavior. Most often, that rage was directed at me.
Suffering, Shame, and Isolation in Parenting
We lived in a war zone, navigating grenades at every turn. Despite being surrounded by a church community, I felt so alone. Drowning in shame and isolation, I believed that I was a failure as a parent. I was devastated for my husband, two daughters, and my boy.
His hourly meltdowns were too much for me, the girls, and him. He was suffering just as much, but to most people, he looked like a “normal” little boy who was being a brat. This couldn’t have been farther from the truth.
Ultimately, my family lived in what felt like hell for years. And here is the thing: My family wasn’t alone.
Millions of families are living this life of chaos, fear, and shame. Whether through biology or adoption, when kids don’t fall in line with social norms, families suffer.
Mental Health Support Is Essential
One winter morning after a few hours of desperately trying to maintain some level of calm in the house, I hit a wall. I was so overwhelmed by his screeching.
My heart was breaking for my daughters who were struggling in the chaos. And, quite frankly, I was losing it. I sent out a mass S.O.S. text to friends and asked for a referral for a therapist.
Within an hour I had an appointment scheduled. Seeking trauma-informed mental health support was a game-changer.
Owning My Limitations
My inability to control my son saved my entire family. Ultimately, could I prevent my 3-year-old from running into the street every single time he tried?
Nope. We couldn’t prevent him from using a broom handle to unhook the chain locks to escape the house.
Try? Yes. But, guarantee success? No way.
- Force him to sleep?
- That’s a good one.
- Obey right away?
- Yeah right.
I had zero control over him then and have zero control now. To effectively parent my son, I had to completely shift my perspective on parenting and discipline. I had to wake up to the fact that my boy’s differences made his ability to emotionally regulate very difficult.
Mom’s Mindset Shift Led to Big Changes
Historically, I viewed childhood behaviors as most in our culture: through the lens of all behavior is willful.
Once I recognized my son’s cognitive needs and differences, it changed. I finally realized that he needed to be taught “how to behave” in a way that he could process and receive.
This allowed me to respond to his meltdowns not from a place of offense, but from a place of grace. Instead of freaking out and coming down hard on him, I met him where he was. No. This wasn’t and isn’t easy to do.
It’s Not About Us
Sadly, many of us believe in a lie. We believe the lie that says something’s wrong with us if our kids don’t behave the way the church wants them to.
We become offended by, or surprised by, our kids’ meltdowns (especially when in public). In the face of “bad” behavior, we become trapped by the urge to stop it.
Learn More in Behind the Behavior Book!
Parenting from Fear Is Dangerous
By parenting from this place of fear, we end up missing the real issue and the cycle often continues. Dr. Purvis put it in her book, The Connected Child,
Only a secure mother can say, “Tell me what hurts, sweetheart,” and listen attentively and respectfully to the answer…. Only a secure mother can find the heart of the highest-risk child.
Scripture tells us that God seeks after the heart, right? Dr. Purvis’s words may be hard to process, but I know from experience how true they are. My insecurities and fear made navigating my son’s meltdowns exponentially more difficult.
Fortunately, we’ve seen HUGE changes in my son’s behavior since my shift in perspective. From willful disobedience to “not yet equipped”. Game changer.
Stop The Narrative of All Behavior Is Willful
My heart hurts for all the kids who grow up believing that they are “inherently bad” because they can’t seem to get it together.
- I’m never enough.
- I’m always a disappointment.
- What’s wrong with me?
Think about all the adults that live in the wake of growing up believing themselves a disappointment. We all know someone. And the truth is that someone may just be us.
This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn a nominal fee from qualifying purchases. Thank you for your support. See my disclosure policy for more info.
Excited to read!
I have a strong willed 3 year old so I will always take any advice I can get. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Absolutely, Jennifer! Glad it was helpful. 🙂