The benefits of IFS Therapy for neurodivergent families. Parenting neurodivergent kids (ADHD, Autism, etc) is not easy. Historically, parents have searched for words and paradigms to navigate this journey. When we do find useful tools for neurodivergent children, it brings incredible relief. As therapists and parents, we’d like to share some benefits of IFS therapy (Internal Family Systems).
What is IFS Therapy?
Designed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, the framework of IFS therapy, called Internal Family Systems or “parts-work” is a beneficial tool.
IFS therapy helps people identify and strengthen the relationships between various parts of themselves. These parts and their relationships are referred to as an internal family system. (This is personal and should NOT be confused with family therapy.)
Conflicting Thoughts or Parts
Within the IFS framework, the mind contains multiple parts impacting a person’s Core Self. The Self is the assured, compassionate, whole person at the core of every person. Schwartz explains it this way,
This is what we call “thinking” because the parts are talking to each other and to you constantly about things you have to do or debating the best course of action, and so on…
It’s important to remember that there are no “bad” parts.
3 “Parts” of The Individual Internal System
According to Dr. Shwartz, three main entities comprise a person’s internal system:
- Self
- Protective Parts
- Known as Managers and Firefighters
- Vulnerable Parts
- Known as Exiles
As you’ll see below, protective and vulnerable parts can block access to the healthy authentic Self. In IFS, we refer to this takeover as “blending.”
1. The Self of The Internal Family System
Self is the true self, essence, or soul. It is the confident and assured “you” untouched by the stressors or traumas of life.
2. The Protective Parts of The Internal Family System
There are two protective parts within a person’s Internal Family System.
- Managers
- Firefighters
Managers of IFS
Managers… manage our relationships, appearance, and performance by yelling at us the way our parents or our teachers once did so that we’ll try harder or look better.
-Dr. Richard Schwartz, No Bad Parts
Managers are proactive, protective parts that attempt to maintain control in your life. The overarching goal of Manager Parts is to make you look good to others. They aim to prevent you from the pain your vulnerable parts experience.
Managers may be characterized as:
- Judging,
- Controlling,
- Shaming,
- Critical,
- Perfectionistic
Manager parts may drive someone to engage in excessive research, preparation, and other perfectionistic behavior.
Firefighters of IFS
Within the IFS therapy framework, Firefighters are protective parts. When vulnerable parts feel triggered, firefighters attempt to regain control. Their larger goal is to help you feel good. They try to put out the “fire” of your pain.
Firefighters may try to assuage your pain by engaging in distracting behaviors such as:
- Over-working
- Excessively exercising
- Overeating
- Social media
- Gaming
- Watching Netflix
On the extreme, firefighter parts may engage in addictions, substance abuse, self-harm, violence, and dissociation.
3. The Exiles of Internal Family Systems
Exiles are vulnerable parts within each of us. They hold the wounds of your life story and are experienced as:
- Terror
- Shame
- Unworthiness
- Fear
- Grief
- Anger
- Abandonment
These “parts of you” have been “exiled” by your system in an attempt to shield you from their pain.
IFS is Trauma-Informed Care
Internal Family Systems therapy is trauma-informed care. It’s non-pathologizing as no part is ever labeled as “bad”. Yes, IFS recognizes the negative impact of burdened parts. At the same time, the goal is also to understand that the intention behind each part is always for our good.
If you’re confused, that’s okay. IFS is a new way of seeing yourself and others. It will take time to wrap your head around (it took us plenty of time too).
3 Benefits of IFS Parenting Neurodivergent Kids
To fully grasp the benefits of IFS, working with a trauma-informed IFS therapist will be incredibly beneficial. However, the Internal Family Systems framework can be used inside and outside formal therapy.
Here are three benefits we’ve experienced using a “parts” framework as we raise our neurodivergent child. They include:
- Our Feelings About Parenting
- How We Feel About Our Child’s Difficult Behaviors
- Increasing Understanding and Reducing Shame
1. Our Feelings About Parenting
As a parent of neurodivergent children, you’ve probably experienced frustrations over differences between you and your kids. You may experience negative feelings about your child.
We understand this completely. IFS has helped reduce our experience of shame when “parts” of us feel negatively toward our child.
Identifying the part of us experiencing negative feelings toward our child is a first step. Once we identify the “part” that’s struggling, we can address the fears behind the hard feelings.
Curiosity is Compassion in IFS
Being curious about the part of us that identifies with negative feelings helps create a healthy “distance” from that part. This creates perspective and compassion for the struggling “part”. Offering our “parts” compassion reduces the intensity of feelings.
From that place, we can better handle concerns about our children. For example, we may have to adjust ourselves or do something differently with our child.
2. How We Feel About Our Child’s Difficult Behaviors
We activate compassion when we recognize it’s a scared “part” of us who feels negatively towards our child. Using this same line of thinking, we also recognize that our children’s behaviors don’t represent ALL of them either.
It’s difficult to see our neurodivergent child acting in ways that are not considered “prosocial”. For example, when our neurodivergent kids behave in ways that are perceived as:
- Aggressive
- Deceptive
- Self-centered
Understanding “parts” invites us to remember this is merely a PART of the child at play in these behaviors. There is usually a reason this “part” is struggling.
IFS Supports Adult Self-Regulation Skills
In our neurotypically-dominated culture, it’s easier to see an autistic child’s anger as “bad”. That’s the easy way out. Rather, it takes more adult executive functioning and self-regulation skills to see beyond the behavior to the root issue.
For example, noticing the shame your child felt when socially excluded. Your child’s protective part may be what reacts aggressively to defend their dignity.
“The clarity of Self gives you a kind of x-ray vision, so you see behind the other person’s protectors to their vulnerability, and in turn your heart opens to them.”
–Dr. Richard Schwartz, No Bad Parts
3. Increasing Understanding and Reducing Shame
Our society is designed for neurotypical people. As such, we’ve been socialized to believe differences are wrong. Sadly, that’s led to much shame associated with being neurodivergent. (We believe there are just as many, if not more, neurodivergent individuals in the world than neurotypical.)
New Lens of Understanding
Seeing yourself and your ADHD or Autistic child through the lens of “parts” welcomes an entirely new universe of understanding. Instead of stigma and shame characterizing your inner world, getting to know your parts can bring:
- Explanation
- “Normalization”
- and a feeling of “I make sense”
After years of self-hatred or unworthiness, this new level of understanding can feel like lifting a 1000-pound weight off your chest. The Internal Family Systems framework can lead to greater self-awareness and self-acceptance. From there, you’ll be better able to offer understanding and acceptance to your child.
Recap: Internal Family Systems for Neurodivergent Kids
Internal Family Systems therapy has been a healing modality since the 80’s. As practitioners and parents, we’ve added it to our toolbox of understanding ourselves and our neurodivergent children. It continues to be an invaluable lens that has changed our lives and those of our clients.
Up Next:
31 Best Autism Calming Strategies That Can Work for All!
Growth Mindset for Parents Raising ADHD and Autistic Kids
Does EMDR Help with Anxiety in Neurodivergent Individuals?
Lauren and Luke Smallcomb are the founders of Flourish Therapy, a trauma healing and brain retraining practice. Their work is neuroaffirming and abuse-informed. Together they co-host the Filled to Flourish podcast where they explore the complex journey of healing and wholeness. Luke and Lauren live in Chiang Mai, Thailand with their kids and dogs.
