Attachment theory holds that all infants have an inherent need to develop a close bond with their parent (or caregiver). Our earliest relationships ultimately influence our adult attachment styles. These impact our relationships with our children, parents, partners, friendships, etc.
Learning about attachment theory is one way I’ve improved relationships within my own neurodivergent family. I hope this discussion offers you insight and support.
What is Attachment Theory?
Let’s cover some of the basics of attachment theory. In developmental psychology, attachment theory is the premise that babies are born with a need to form an intimate emotional bond with their parent (or caregiver).
The strength of this emotional connection develops within the first six months of life. It’s the foundation from which a child develops strong relationships.
Originally developed by British psychologist John Bowlby, the theory was later refined by Mary Ainsworth. Attachment theory states that infants develop emotionally and socially healthily when their parent or primary caregiver is:
- Attentive,
- Attuned to their needs,
- Responds in a reasonable amount of time
Attachment theory says infants develop emotionally and socially healthily when their parent or primary caregiver is:
- Attentive
- Attuned to their needs,
- Responds in a reasonable amount of time.
4 Attachment Styles
The two researchers developed four attachment styles to describe different patterns of attachment. The 4 attachment styles are:
- Secure attachment
- Anxious attachment
- Avoidant attachment
- Disorganized attachment
In general, all people have attachment styles based on their own experiences. Let’s dig into them a bit more deeply.
1. Secure Attachment Style
The secure attachment style is an attachment perspective where a child has developed a secure relationship with their parent. They’ve learned that mom or dad is their secure base and that they’re safe to explore their world.
Someone with a secure attachment grew up feeling seen, safe, and comforted by their parent. In general, secure people are warm and share intimacy freely in close relationships.
As adults, these kids grow into adults who have a relatively easy time developing healthy relationships and can make mistakes without the fear of rejection or punishment.
2. Anxious Attachment Styles
Sometimes called ambivalent attachment, anxious attachment results when a parent’s response to their child’s emotional needs is inconsistent and unreliable.
In this anxious attachment type, the child is insecure and lost in their world. They want security but don’t know where to find it.
These kids grow into anxious adults who long for intimacy to the point that they’re consumed with the anxiety of whether the person they love can love them back. Those with anxious insecure attachments suffer from the belief that they’re not worth loving.
3. Avoidant Attachment Styles
In child development, the avoidant attachment style results when the parent or caregiver doesn’t respond to the child’s emotional experiences.
Often this parent values independence over an emotional connection with their child. As such, the child develops insecurity and turns inward. Those earlier experiences teach the child to shove it down to connect with their caregiver.
Later in life, to protect their sense of independence, adults with avoidant attachments are self-protective and guard themselves against intimacy.
4. Disorganized Attachment Style
Disorganized attachment is the most recent of the distinct attachment styles identified in psychology. In disorganized attachment, the child’s attachment is considered “disorganized”. This is because the attachment is based on fear and the deep-rooted perception of threat.
The child’s parent is a source of fear and threat. Yet this child, like all children, has an inherent need for safety from their parent. These children and adults are often highly dysregulated and struggle with behavior, learning, and emotional control.
Recap: What is Attachment Theory?
It’s important to remember that attachment theory is just that. A theoretical framework to help describe a set of signs and behaviors in human beings.
Learning about attachment theory has helped me better understand myself and my family members. This has helped guide me in my parenting, marriage, friendships, and relationship with myself.
Bottom line? It’s brought freedom to my family dynamic. If this resonates and you want to learn more, check out these 10 Best Books on Attachment Theory.
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About the Author:
Lindsay is a trauma-informed educator with a Master’s Degree in Teaching. Her mission is to support moms to equip neurodivergent kids (ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, Anxiety) to thrive as exactly who they’ve been created to be. Wait until you hear the story that led to it all…
