Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder characterized by an inability to speak in select settings, such as school. If have a child or teen with any form of anxiety, this post is for you. I’ve asked a teen friend of mine, Sarah, to share her story of childhood anxiety and selective mutism. Specifically, she’s sharing 5 practical tips to help your child navigate selective mutism and other forms of anxiety.
This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn a nominal fee from qualifying purchases. Thank you for your support. See my disclosure policy for more info.
What is Selective Mutism?
Selective mutism is marked by an inability to speak in select settings, such as school or unfamiliar social situations. Those with selective mutism can communicate when and where they feel safe, secure, and relaxed. Selective mutism is a form of anxiety affecting children, teens, and adults.
Now, let’s learn from Sarah who’s navigated anxiety and selective mutism since she was a child.
Sara’s Story of Selective Mutism
Hi, my name is Sarah and I have Selective Mutism (SM). Selective mutism is an anxiety-based disorder that makes it hard to talk to people you don’t know.
Even more troubling, selective mutism can make it difficult to talk to people you do know.
For example, when you’re in an unfamiliar place or surrounded by a crowd. The anxiety and sensory overwhelm can be so intense that you can’t speak.
Fortunately, at home, in your safe space, you talk just like any other person.
Living With Selective Mutism Through the Years
All my life people knew me as quiet. When anyone asked me a question, I tried to respond. But the words got stuck. When I couldn’t speak, I’d become so frustrated and upset at myself. Why couldn’t I…
- Just talk?
- Tell someone my name?
- Raise my hand in class?
- Participate in a game?
I just didn’t understand.
WHY WAS IT SO HARD TO SPEAK?
Changing Expectations
When I was little, people just thought I was cute when I didn’t talk. They’d simply look to my parents for a response. However, things started to change as I got older.
People had higher expectations that I would talk to them. This only made me more nervous and made it harder to respond. It was overwhelming especially when they just looked at me waiting for me to talk.
Comparison and Doubts Make It Worse
Growing up, doubts constantly raged through my mind as I observed the ease with which all the other kids were able to talk.
Kids can talk in class or at church. They tell jokes and talk to their friends and teachers without any problem.
“There is no way I could ever do that. How can someone just walk up and order french fries so easily?”
To make matters worse, kids often don’t understand other kids don’t speak. I’d become so frustrated and doubt myself. There have been many tears and moments I wondered if it would ever get easier.
The Struggle To Make Friends
It was especially hard when my family moved or we went to a new place. Making friends was difficult because I struggled with speaking. I wasn’t about to go up to some random person and start talking to them.
The anxiety was so overwhelming that I’d wait and pray for them to talk to me. But, if and when they did speak to me, I became even more nervous because they were talking to me.
What Should I Say?
Then the problem became that I wouldn’t know what to do or say. I was paralyzed and would never say anything back.
Being seen and included in their games or their conversations was something I longed for. To simply participate alongside them without actually talking.
The Impact of An Audience
In the end, I didn’t want to be alone. Like many other girls, whenever I was standing by myself, I worried that other people were staring at me.
I know that I’m not alone in my struggle with this feeling of being judged. Lots of girls do, but I think it is maybe harder for someone with selective mutism.
It’s common for those with selective mutism to struggle with a sense that they are “on stage.” Understandably, this feeling of being “on display” adds to heightened states of anxiety.
Stop Making Such a Big Deal
One thing that embarrasses me is when people make a big deal when I do speak.
“Oh my goodness you can talk. You talked! I’ve never heard you talk that loud before.”
I told my friends and family to not make a big deal when I talked to others or did something I hadn’t done before. Now I don’t get as embarrassed, but it kind of annoys me because I don’t like the extra attention it brings.
Overcoming the Challenges of Selective Mutism
I was first diagnosed with selective mutism when I was 12 years old. I remember thinking that I was too old to get therapy for it.
Now, looking back I don’t think I was too old. I needed support. There was no way that I could have made progress and survived any of this on my own.
Sure, there are days when I get frustrated at myself because I think I am taking too long to respond to others. I still feel much pressure and that adds to the problem.
5 Tips to Help a Child with Selective Mutism
If you or someone you love struggles with anxiety or selective mutism know that getting through this is possible. With hard work, overcoming many of the struggles associated with selective mutism. I know this because I have been through it.
The following are 5 tips to help a child or teen with selective mutism. May they be helpful to you and your child.
1. The Big Fives
Like all challenges, the first thing I learned was to start with small manageable steps. For example, I started with simple goals like saying one of the ‘Big Fives.’
- Hi,
- Bye,
- Yes,
- No,
- Thanks
At the time, it felt impossible to even respond with these simple words. Honestly, even waving to someone was difficult. But over time, with practice, it slowly became easier.
2. Having A Safe Parent
My safest moments were when my mom was there to help me talk when people asked me a question. Even with my speaking goals being so small, it was still so hard.
Many late nights were spent talking to my mom, crying about having to speak the next day. Even if my job was to say one word, I still had doubts about whether I could do it.
Mom was there to comfort, support, and encourage me. We prayed before school, and I went feeling nervous but determined.
Some days I accomplished my small speaking goal and sometimes I didn’t. Mom was still there to love me regardless.
The Value of Safe Relationships
Sarah points to the value of every child having a safe, secure, and supportive person in their corner. Dr. Jack Shonkoff, a Professor of Child Health & Development at Harvard University,
Healthy responsive relationships support resilience and can turn toxic stress into tolerable stress that can help us to respond and adapt to adversity.
3. The Whisper Buddy
In therapy, I learned many tools to help me navigate my selective mutism. One of the most helpful was the importance of having a whisper buddy. A whisper buddy is someone to whom I can whisper my words and they will tell others.
I also learned not to put so much pressure on myself to try to talk. Over the last couple of years, I have seen how using the ‘Big Five’ words and having a whisper buddy have helped me become more comfortable around others.
It still isn’t always easy – even writing this is a little hard for me. But I can look back and see the progress I have made and know it is worth it to keep pushing myself.
4. Educate and Partner with Teachers
Speaking in front of the class has been one of the most difficult parts of my selective mutism story. On the first day of school, teachers tend to ask a simple question as a class ice-breaker. So often, I knew the answer but I could never get the words out.
Talking in front of others felt like torture. I think this is because it was in front of my peers, all by myself, with no one to help or support me.
The fear of what they would think about me was too much sometimes. No one understood how hard it was. When I would try to talk nothing would come out. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t.
The words were stuck. I’d sit at my desk and try not to cry. I felt defeated and humiliated.
Podcasting for Supportive Teachers
Doing presentations was a huge barrier for me in school. Fortunately, I had supportive teachers who thought outside the box. I could still do presentations but I had to start small.
Instead of presentations, my teacher suggested I start by recording a podcast that only my teacher heard. At first, the podcast felt extremely hard. I was scared because my teachers were gonna hear me talk. Not just one sentence but a whole presentation!
Eventually, I started giving presentations to my teachers in person when no one else was in the room.
Over time, doing this made it easier to talk to my teachers in person. Something I hadn’t done before. I was so proud of myself for doing that.
We know how important it is to process the junk in our heads. The thoughts and feelings we navigate drive our behavior, sense of self, and mindset. For children who struggle to speak, Sarah’s next tip is especially important.
5. Get It Out on Paper
Another strategy that was helpful for me was writing out what I was feeling. Doing so helped me release frustrations, fears, and doubts.
After writing out my thoughts, I was able to look back and see how far I’ve come.
Lessons I’ve Learned from My Selective Mutism
I’ve learned that Selective Mutism is a part of my story. As hard as it is and as much as I wish I didn’t have it, I know that God is using it for good in my life.
Already, I have more compassion and understanding for others who don’t or can’t speak aloud. I know not to pressure them to talk and just try to help them feel included and seen.
Selective Mutism Is Not Sarah’s Whole Story
Sarah ended this beautifully. She ended with one of the most important lessons about ourselves and our children. To be included and seen. That’s what we all want. Sometimes, that’s all they need.
To be seen and known. God teaches us the beauty of loving others by seeing them. Let’s see people through those eyes. Most importantly, may we equip our kids with the tools and strategies they need to thrive.
Thank you, Sweet Sarah, for sharing your story. We’re grateful for you.
Recap: Supporting Those With Selective Mutism
Friend, did Sarah’s story resonate? Maybe you’re parenting an anxious child. If so, you’re not alone. A while ago, I posted a question to a private group made up of moms.
If you could solve one major problem with your child, what would it be?
The answers to that question revealed a lot of common issues that parents are facing. However, the number one underlying issue these moms were facing? Kids struggling with anxiety. Keep reading to learn of some of my favorite resources and tools to help kids with childhood anxiety.
Up Next:
47 Emotional Regulation Activities for Kids Every Mom Needs
Anxiety in Kids: 7 Resources to Help Your Child at Home
20 Super Fun Games for a Nonverbal Autistic Child
AAC & Speech Devices for Autism: Communication for All
Sarah Thomas is an outstanding 16-year-old teen girl who has 3 older brothers.
That doesn’t seem to bother her though as she says that she likes being the youngest. She is a gifted musician and plays both the clarinet and piano.
Sarah loves playing board and card games and has a smile that will light up any room.
God is so good! My 13-year-old son just had it out this morning (unfortunately, not an uncommon occurrence). Him having issues with anxiety is something I need to look into. Not necessarily Selective Mutism (which makes a lot of sense, by the way), but I’m realizing I need to be more sensitive to his anxieties. Thank you!
So glad this has given you some insight, Summer. So much of our children’s “difficult” behavior is often rooted in anxiety and fear. Which, honestly, is just like us as adults… when we snap at our kids, our hubbies, etc… we are either exhausted, overwhelmed, or navigating a belief or thought about our failures. Grace upon grace, right? 🙂