Parenting Introverted Kids: 11 Powerful Tips Every Mom Should Know

Parenting introverted kids well. How do you do this when you’re living in an extroverted world?

Lindsay, she’s an introvert. She was just upstairs with the girls and she needs time to regroup. Girl, she’s an introvert.

A good friend

Lightbulb moment. My daughter was 5 and I finally saw the obvious. My kid is not me. She’s an introvert.

Now, if you’re like me and need some support parenting your introverted child, you’re in luck. Here are 11 tips to help you parent your introverted child well.

What is Introversion?

According to verywellmind.com, introverted children (and adults) can be more quiet, reserved, and introspective.

Unlike extroverts who gain energy from social interaction, introverts have to expend energy in social situations.

verywellmind.com

They say that after spending time in large groups, introverts feel a need to “recharge” by spending time alone.

The Extroverted Mindset Needs a Shift

As simple as that sounds, it took me a long time to wrap my extroverted mind around this concept.

I’m an extrovert and was raised by extroverts.

I struggled when my second daughter showed signs of being “shy.” (By the way, being introverted is not the same as being shy.)

At the time, I didn’t understand or appreciate her innate wiring.

Loud People Aren’t Superior

It’s true that we live in a world that celebrates the social butterfly.

We idolize those who speak up and advocate loudly. (As if being louder makes you smarter. Please.)

• In school, we show signs of our “smarts” by speaking up in class.
• Kids are pushed to have lots of friends and are seen as mentally unstable if they enjoy solitude.

Adults are Not Immune to Peer Pressure

As a homeschool mom swimming against the current of traditional school, I’ve aggressively fought to render the “socialization” argument moot.

My oldest, like myself, is an extrovert and has always had tons of friends and play dates. 

(I now realize that so much of that was rooted in my own insecurities. A story for another time.) 

However, it took me awhile to break free from a belief that “healthy” means lots of friends. Sadly, I think that hurt my middle daughter.

Introverted Mom Friend Opened My Eyes

Fortunately, I’m grateful for Amy’s words that day.

We’d been at her house for about 45 minutes. At the time, I just my two daughters as we hadn’t adopted our son yet.

The kids were upstairs playing. Amy and I were enjoying a few treasured minutes of adult conversation.

And then it happened.

My little girl crept down the stairway and tiptoed over to sit next to me.

Honey, go and play. You are here to play with the girls.

Emotional Baggage Impacts Parenting

Looking back, I am embarrassed and ashamed at my initial response.

I don’t know what it was about that moment.

Like a stick in the mud, I was stuck in this belief that the value of a child is dependent upon how many friends he or she has. 

What a lie!!

This is me being really transparent. I grew up under some challenging circumstances. We moved 14 times before I graduated high school.

As a child, I depended upon my social world to give me purpose and value.

Like so many areas of parenting, God was helping me work through my own junk in my journey with my precious girl.

New Perspective On Parenting Introverted Kids

God used Amy’s words to remove the scales from my parenting eyes.

He taught me about my introverted child and my broken perceptions.

Lindsay, she is an introvert.

I’ll never forget that day.

I began reading everything I could get my hands on about introversion and extroversion. Being an extrovert, I had a pretty solid grasp of what that meant.

However, I was clueless as to how introversion was all around me.

What I realized is that I’d misunderstood behaviors and interactions I had with so many people throughout my life.

The Best Book on Introversion: Quiet

Susan Cain‘s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking was so insightful.  It taught me so much about my

• daughter,
• sister
• husband,
• father,
• father-in-law and
• so many introverted children that were around me almost daily.

I later purchased Ms. Cain’s other book for introverted kids. Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverted Kids is a wonderful resource for teens.

Seeking Advice from Introverts

Since then, I’ve spend years learning about introverted and other uniquely-wired kids.

I’ve created A Heart for All Students to support our children who think and process the world differently.  

However, we moms need one another in this parenting journey.

So, I decided to seek the wisdom of some other introverted moms.  For this post, I asked some moms from A Heart for All Students community to answer the following question:

What would you like parents of introverts to know in order to best support and love their own introverted children?

11 Effective Tips When Parenting Introverted Kids

The following are 11 tips for parenting introverted children. These pieces of parenting wisdom are from introverted moms of introverts.

I do hope these are as helpful for you as they have been for me.

1. Give Them Breaks

Katherine, a homeschool mom of 4 neurodiverse children says this.

Give them breaks! One of the best coping skills I gave my kid was an “escape room” or way out of anywhere we went.

She explains that she taught her son that he could step out of any situation if he needed to.

However, she then challenged him to come back in 5 or 10 min later.

Eventually, he’s learned to take his own breaks. Or if he needs help, he tells me, and I help find him a quiet place.

Tip for parenting introverted children number 1: Give them breaks!

2. Stop Making Them Socialize

Cheryl, an adult introvert herself says this.

Stop making them socialize all the time.

She says she encourages her child to socialize with the one or two friends she’s comfortable with so they don’t withdraw entirely.

However, she allows her daughter lots of freedom to say no to social events when needed.

Tip for parenting introverted children number 2: Stop making them socialize all the time!

3. Stop Forcing Interactions That Don’t Fit

Meridith, an introverted mom of 3 (2 autistic) says this of her introverted children.

I let my introvert socialize on his terms and I don’t force it.

Meridith also shared that it is she who often feels the need to recharge with alone time.

She says she’s not good with forced interaction. Specifically, she’s noticed herself overwhelmed in large groups.

She says she digs through her purse or takes bathroom breaks even during meet and greets at church.

Tip number 3 for parenting introverted children is to stop forcing interactions that don’t fit.

4. Help Introverted Kids Take One Step

Colleen, introverted mom of 4, shares her best tip for parenting introverted kids.

Don’t force kids to talk to people. That’s a big one. Instead, help them take their next step.

Sometimes an introvert struggles with finding their way into a group of kids.

Encouraging them by helping them take a step to get involved with other people is critical. Colleen offers examples:

• walk with them to other kids and start a conversation connect the kids,
• or introduce them and ask if your kid can play

This is not hovering or being overbearing. This is helping your introvert take their next social skills step.

Parenting introverted kids tip number 4: Help introverts take their next step.

5. Check Your Adult Motives

Melanie, an introverted mom, offers this insight.

It’s important to continually consider your social encounters and your motives for them.

Did you say “yes” to the third night out this week because you felt obligated or pressured to please people?

Or because it’s what’s best?

Melanie says that she’s a recovering people pleaser, and sometimes that unhealthy part of her overpowers her introverted qualities. This not only hurts adults, but our children.

Learn to say no.

Parenting introverted kids tip number 5: Check your motives and say NO.

6. Be A Coach

Melanie, another introverted mom of 2, says this about her introverts.

Sometimes my children need “coaching” in what to say. As homeschoolers, the “what’s your favorite subject in school?” is a hard on for my kids.

Melanie says that she practices answers to these and other questions ahead of social interactions. This has been a huge help for them.

Parenting introverted children tip number 6 is to be a coach.

7. Reassurance & Safety

Heather is an introvert just like her kids. She’s also a pastor’s wife which can be very challenging for her because she’s expected to care for the congregation.

Two of my kids are also introverted and one is on the spectrum. Parents need to realize that their children do not mean to be rude when they don’t engage in a crowd.

Heather recommends allowing introverted kids to engage with others on their own terms.

She also recommends letting your kids stick close to you because by doing so, you’re giving them a safe place. Specifically, she says,

Their minds and bodies are telling them to run and hide. But they know you are safety so let them cling or hide behind you if they need.

Parenting introverted kids tip number 7 is to be your child’s safe place.

8. Don’t Worry What Everyone Thinks

Heather explains that when one of her kids was younger, he would climb under her skirt when overwhelmed in a crowd.

Even though it was awkward for her, she realized that he needed a safe place. Rather than disciplining him for “bad behavior”, she used that behavior as a clue to provide him what he needed.

As he grew older, he learned that my skirt was not an option. Instead, he now hugs her from behind and buries his face in her back.

She continues her conversation while swaying, until he’s ready to reengage with others.

Parenting introverted kids tip number 8 is not worry about what others think.

9. Teach Skills & Seek Small Groups

Jennifer is an introverted mom of 4. She says it’s ok not to be the life of the party.

It’s ok if kids want to play alone at times. There’s nothing wrong with them if they’d like to be alone.

She shares that social situations are super draining for her. She limits how often I commit to outings and prefers small groups.

Jennifer recommends intentionally teaching social skills to introverted kids as she wasn’t given those tools as a kid.

I have had to learn on my own, in my adult life, how to talk to people.

Parenting introverted children tip number 9 is to teach social skills in small groups.

10. Stop Looking for a Problem

Last but not least, Corinne shares her perspective from her own introverted childhood.

She says that when she was younger, she was the only one in the family who liked relaxing with music and reading.

Naturally, my parents thought that every time I would go into my room to listen to music, that something was wrong with me.

It took many years of explaining that I wasn’t sick and that I just truly enjoyed being alone.

Parenting introverted children tip number 10 is to stop looking for a problem.

11. Stop Worrying & Talking So Much

Corrine’s next piece of advice is still hard for me.

Her family (like my family) family likes to talk. Unfortunately, this can be exhausting for introverted children. 

All I ever wanted was acceptance that it was ok that I was not like them.

I wanted them to stop worrying about me because my brightest ideas were borne out of spending time on my own. 

If I hadn’t stayed true to myself and just caved to the pressure of “pretending” to enjoy socializing, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

I’m grateful to be at a place of contentment, peace, and fulfillment as myself.

Parenting introverted children tip number 11 is to embrace your child’s differences.

Recap: Parenting Introverted Children

Parenting is not easy. Anyone who says differently is lying. However, we’re blessed when we gain wisdom from other parents.

I do hope that the 11 tips for parenting introverts have brought you some insight and encouragement.

Like I said previously, as an extrovert myself, I need to learn as much as I can about the wonderful introverts in my life.

By doing so, I hope to love them well. I know you’re in this with me.

So, are you raising an introvert? What works for you? Please comment below. I answer every comment and look forward to hearing from you, Friend.

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